Wrong Timing but Right Expectation

 

-        Easy-peasy you remember that word?

-        Hey, I found my match, I wish you will as well.

-        Oh, nice. I am happy for you. Waiting for the pictures…

I am a nobody, whose self-esteem is brought down. Nobody is ready for a no response even if you know that it will be the case. We all want to be brave enough to say no to something/ someone, but never ready to receive a no. My emotion proved me right just like that, I didn’t see that coming and didn’t hear the drop of my tears; Someone just started sobbing silently and a river of tears started flowing. Despite the love of food, and the hunger I felt; suddenly, I lost appetite, and started typing…… As I laid hands on the keyboard all the memories were brought back, all my failures were playing like in a MultiKino cinema.

I wasn’t curious about him; nor did I want to meet him. But I just accepted his invitation. Turned out that he looked elegant which made me desire him, but I hold myself, I am happy I managed. Couldn’t wait for another date night to be me in my perfect sense. As elegant as the first time but showed up late, I didn’t make it a big deal anyway I knew it was not going to work out, and I tried to hold my heart from expecting anything out of it. My heart is deceitful, it is full of broken self-promises. What is the difference between heart and emotions? And what is self-esteem?

-        Heart: “How about you behave this way”

-        Emotion: “I just want the most of it, I swear you won’t be touched, it will only be me and me”

-        Body: “I think I will be involved in this matter.”

-        Mind: “Body, just look good. But now the emotion is taking the lead which is not wise.”

 

Little by little, step after step and date after date. I did what I wanted, and I do not regret the talks we shared, nights spent together. Realized that body and emotion were collaborating to release some test of sweet poison to the rest. It tested sweet that the heart and mind were like we never know, just took a neutral position. I tried to make it work, I mean I think I tried, and I am proud of how I handled some situations. But I could have done more.

-        Emotion: I have been longing for this. But not waiting for this

-        Mind: What is this and this? And what are their difference?

-        Emotion: Just an unexpected sign of life. And the other this is an unready conversation

-        Mind: are you that ignorant? Hey, just in case you forget, whatever you call this, it was a response to your action. You took over and he showed up. And the other this, it is what we all expected from the start.

Everyone is selfish, I am as well. I am not sure maybe I would have done a worse thing than what he did in such a situation. But guess what, his integrity and elegant still rock. I wasn’t bold enough to let it go; and I needed it for sure, but what do you do when you know what is right, know how to do it, but want to enjoy the inverse simultaneously? I haven’t mastered that area yet, just giving myself space.

I don’t have time to judge but to learn. Things happen and we do things. Heart don’t break, mind take courage, emotion learns your lesson and body serve us. At the end of it all we stay, so we better bond now, forgive each other today and make a vow to support each other in some fantasy. Oh, lovers love self-lovers. Supporters support self-supporters. Encouragement goes to courage.

 

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